Bye Bye 2009

I decided to write one last entry before the New Year. 2009 is about to be gone and 2010 will be here in just a couple of days. 2009 has been quite the roller coaster for our family. On February 18th, I laid on the sonogram table to find out why I had a negative sonogram the previous day. We were given the news that there was zero chance that the baby that I was already so very attached to was not going to live. We held on to faith, but the Lord had a different plan for Jonah Myles. He went to Heaven after only 10 minutes of being in our arms on May 23, 2009. Heaven received another beautiful Angel!! I also lost both of my Grandpa’s this year, my Brother-In-Law left for Iraq and as of today I no longer have a job (our office is shutting down here). I have been told many times – “I don’t know how you have made it thru everything”. Well honestly, it’s been the hardest year of my life, but with the good man above, I have made it and will continue on with a smile on my face. Don’t get me wrong, I still cry, and cry often, but tears never hurt anyone. I think I smile more than I cry, so that is a good sign I think. I’m very thankful for everything that I have been thru and I can say that with all honestly because I know God has a plan for me and my family. It’s times like these when you realize how much you really appreciate your family and friends. I have the best family a girl could ask for and of course friends!! I could not have made it without you!!!

Today is my last day at work and it is so sad. Not just because I won’t have a job, but the people I work with, I’m going to miss so much. My “roommate”, Amanda, has been there thru everything this year and I could not have asked for a better friend. She has listened to me cry, laugh, cry again and is always there no matter what. It’s been nice to share an office with such a wonderful Christian woman. I’m going to miss you Amanda!! I am also going to miss everyone at Reznick, it has been such a pleasure to work with you all!! I hope I find a job soon because as of now, we (Jamie and I) both have to work. It’s hard to find a job, and then learn new people, etc. But I’m excited for the future.

We recently went thru the holidays. Thanksgiving was good; we were able to see my Brother-in-Law, Wesley. He came home for his 2 week “vacation” from Iraq. It was so special being there to see my little nieces faces when he got off the plane and down the hall area. My Sister-in-Law and nieces, and of course Wesley have been thru so much being apart from each other. Luckily he will soon be home and I think we are never going to let him go again. :-) I have much respect for the men who have been in uniform and the ones currently in uniform. Thank you for what you do for this country!! Christmas was wonderful, with the exception of missing my baby so very much!! We had some good times with our families, sang Happy Birthday to Jesus, got some good gifts, and just remembered the true meaning of the season.



Me and my Hubby @ the Pumpkin Patch












The boys waiting on the Pearl Christmas Parade
(The one on the right is Cameron's friend lol)













My boys and my beautiful nieces












Hayden & Cameron decorating the tree :-)














Cameron excited on Christmas Day!!













My Mawmaw with her Grandkids and Great-Grandkids (that live in MS)











Hayden VERY excited on Christmas Day!!















Hayden and Mommy :-)









Here at the end of this blog note and the year 2009 – I want to thank everyone again for being so great to me and my family thru the bad times this year. It has meant so much to us. I’m so very thankful for my life and everyone in it. Good luck to everyone in the upcoming year and I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

Love and Peace :-)

Finding Peace

I haven't written in a while and thought it was time. I have had so many emotions recently and just thought I would get them down on "paper". It has been 9 1/2 weeks since our Jonah went to be with Jesus. I miss him SOOO bad. Everyone says it will get better with time. But apparently 9 1/2 weeks is not enough time. It is getting somewhat better, but it feels like it was just yesterday I was holding him in my arms. I would do anything to be able to hold him again. I look at his pictures and his little face was so perfect and I just wish the rest of his little body was perfect too. I know now it is, and I know he is in a much better place and Jesus is taking good care of him. It's still very very hard to see people with babies - it breaks my heart because I still want Jonah so very bad. It's still extremely hard to hear about people abusing kids and killing children, etc. I just wish I was the person who had to decide what their punishment is, but I have to remember that they will have to answer to the good Lord above for what they have done. I heard one story on TV last night that was about a woman who killed her infant and then dismembering his body. HORRIBLE!! TERRIBLE!! STUPID!!! I just wish I had 5 minutes with this person, if you can even call her a person. It broke my heart and brought back so many emotions. I would do ANYTHING to have Jonah back in my arms and here this stupid woman is killing and dismembering her child. She does not deserve the air she breathes. Okay I have said my peace about that. I feel much better.

Anyway. We have not been able to get Jonah's marker yet, but I hope we can before Christmas. The cemetery has gotten the columns up for the Military Ranks and it looks so nice. His spot will be beautiful before long. I have been thinking of ways I could use what I have gone thru in a positive way for others. I was thinking I may could go to hospitals after a woman has lost their baby and talk and comfort them. Not sure if this makes sense. But I think sometimes it helps to hear other peoples stories and how they got thru things. I'm not even sure if the hospitals do things like this or would let me do this, but I may check into it. Not sure yet.

I'm so thankful for the prayers that we received going thru this horrible experience and I'm very thankful for the prayers we are still getting. Thank you so much!! I know Jesus has another beautiful angel in his arms. Jonah is now perfect and just waiting on us to get there with him!

I wanted to post some pictures that we got from the day our baby went to heaven. He was so beautiful (words from a proud Mama).






Me, Jamie, Baby Jonah












Looking at the Angel that came and left so quickly















Proud Mama and Beautiful Jonah













Sweet Baby Jonah













Kisses from Mommy!!













Kisses from Daddy!!













Daddy and Mommy looking at their precious Angel!!







Jenn

The day we have dreaded has come...

Saturday, May 23rd, 2009 - Jamie, Hayden, and I were headed to the mall to get Jamie some new glasses. Jamie needed to use the restroom, so we just stopped at Wendy's to let him go to the restroom. He got back in the car and it hit me...I thought I had urinated on myself. So we are headed home for me to shower and change clothes and the more we went, the more I was going. I knew then it wasn't what I thought. It was what I was not ready for. My water had broken. We went straight to the ER and they rushed me to the room where they checked for amniotic fluid and that is what it was. I was dilated one centimeter and rather we were ready or not, this baby was coming. I had a good friend of mine that showed up to help with Hayden (thank you so much Vicki) and we had already called our parents to get them on the way. My parents were in Mobile, so they were 2 1/2 hours closer than they would have been at home. The nurses found the baby's heartbeat and it was good. At this point, I still had some faith left. We were told it would be a while before we went to have the baby. Then all of a sudden the nurses came in and said my doctor who was not on call was on her way to deliver our angel. She told me she would not miss it and she didn't. I just love her!! Anyway, the time came for us to have our baby. It was a very long ride down the hall to the surgical room. After much time, as the doctors were being very careful not to stress the baby out.....Jonah Myles McInnis was born at 2:38 p.m. He was precious, so beautiful, and was alive. Jamie and I got to hold him for a brief minute and off he went to the neonatal doctors. At that time, Dr. Moses (my doctor) leaned over the curtain and told me the worst news of my life...that our sweet baby boy could not live. She said he was just not compatible with life. How can this be? I just saw him, his little face, and he was perfect!! But I know there is more to just a sweet, perfect face. They finished with me and sent me to my room where I was able to hold our sweet Jonah. At this time, he was not alive. He only lived around 10 minutes. But I didn't care. I held him and loved him and kissed him and didn't want to let him go. Still confused as to why in the world this is happening, I had to hold on to my faith in God because he is the only one who knows why this horrible thing happened. Even though I knew it was coming and it was going to be hard, I never thought it would be this hard. My sweet baby was here and gone in a matter of minutes. I am so thankful they were able to tell what he was. I was so scared it would take 2 weeks to find out, and that would have been very hard. I had to sign a paper to release Jonah to the funeral home, and I believe that as well was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I was released from the hospital on Monday. I left empty inside, but knew my wonderful husband and sweet boys and my parents were there to help. I still feel empty, I know that feeling will not be soon to go away, and that is okay. I just have to grieve and deal with this the best I can.

We went to the funeral home and the cemetery today. We made all of the arrangements to bury our baby. There were about 3 times that I really thought I was going to pass out. Picking out the casket just BROKE my heart. I'm so thankful that Jamie was and has been by my side. For those of you that are wanting to know the arrangements, here they are:

Everyone will meet at Ott & Lee on Hwy 80 in Brandon, MS at 9:30. We are just lining up there because I decided to have a funeral procession for Jonah Myles. We thought he deserved that respect. We will leave at 9:45 to go to the cemetery, Floral Hills on Hwy 80 in Pearl. The funeral will begin at 10:00. We will have a graveside service for our sweet angel.

Thank you again for all of the calls, messages, texts, and most of all the prayers. Without prayers I know I would not have made it thru this. Please continue to pray.

Here are some pictures of our Jonah Myles McInnis.



































































Thank you again and God Bless you all!!!

Jennifer

Emotions Running Wild

I have so many emotions going on right now; I thought I would write…I had a dr. appt. Wednesday. Jamie went with me and we didn’t see much on the sonogram. The baby was not very active that morning or Tuesday night. Matter of a fact, wasn’t moving at all. It finally started moving AFTER the sonogram (isn’t that how it goes usually)? We saw the very strong heartbeat and the baby’s legs and arms moving everywhere. It is weird to see the baby moving, but not able to feel it. I can feel movements, just not all of them. After the sonogram, we met with my dr. and she said this baby has done things they didn’t think it would. Jamie asked about the legs moving as we were told originally that the legs would never move because of the short spine. She said she didn’t know. He had some other questions as far as what will happen after the baby is born. Again, she didn’t know. This is not because she is not an experienced doctor, it’s simply because having a baby with this condition, you just never know what to expect. She did tell us that she would immediately get us to the room (in the event that the baby is living at the time of birth) so we can spend as much time as we can with him/her. She also said something that was strange to me – she said that they would do everything they could to keep the baby if it was at all possible. This confused me because we were told that there was zero chance of survival. We asked and she told us that IF the baby has all of its organs, there may be a chance of survival, but it was VERY slim. Most babies are born without all of the organs. I would LOVE for our baby to live, but I’m not going to get my hopes up that it is going to. I’m just going thru this knowing that God has a plan. I have done research for Limb, Body, Wall to see if I could find a baby that survived this horrible condition and I did find a medical study in Tokyo that the doctors were able to save the baby. It had all of its organs and they used Karaya Gum sheets where the stomach wall was missing. I don’t know a lot about the details, but did find one case which was interesting. Right now, I look at the situation like – I will take whatever the good Lord above gives us. I am grateful for being able to stay healthy thru this and the longer I am pregnant and the longer the baby has a strong heartbeat, the more of a chance that we can spend some time with it. I am grateful that since God had already made plans for this baby, he let us know early on, so that we didn’t go buy things for the baby, etc. So if the baby doesn’t make it, I feel like we have been blessed either way. I have had a few mothers contact me that have gone thru and going thru the same situation as us and it has helped so much. There are so many unanswered questions. I usually try not to think about it as much, but now that time is drawing to an end, it’s hard not to think about it so much. I love this baby and I know everything will be okay because it’s in good hands with the Lord above. I am having more emotional breakdowns than I was, but I think again it’s because I know I am over 32 weeks and it’s getting close to the end of the pregnancy. I’m holding on to my faith and praying everyday for God’s will to be done.

Jenn

Bad Night

I have been pretty strong thru this entire pregnancy (I think anyway). Last night before bed I was in the bathroom and just finally started crying like crazy. I got in bed thinking that I would just go to sleep and I couldn't. Jamie held me and told me it was okay not to be strong. I don't question God's reason for this, but it's honestly so very hard. I have faith that things will be okay rather our baby makes it or not. I know the doctors says it won't, but miracles take place everyday. It's closer to time for this pregnancy to be over and I'm not ready to let go. I thank the good Lord above for my husband being there for me.

Tonight I am better, I have gotten a lot of house work done. I want to be prepared in case I go into early labor (since Hayden was 6 weeks early). I pray each night that God gives us the strength to make it thru this.

Nite nite....

A Walk With Faith

This blog is written about my pregnancy with Baby #3.

Jamie and I were VERY surprised to find out that we were having another baby. We knew we wanted a third baby, but didn't know it would happen so soon since our youngest, Hayden, at the time was less than a year old. At any rate, we were both excited. My vitals and the baby's heartbeat was normal and on February 17th we were to find out if it was a boy or girl. I was SO excited. Just the thought of having a little girl just made me so happy, but don't get me wrong, I love my boys and if I had another one, that would be fine too. Well we went to the sonogram room and while in the room, it was pretty quiet. The Sonographer is normally not that quiet. I was asking questions and she seemed hesitant to answer me. My doctor, who in my eyes is the greatest doctor ever, Dr. Shea Moses randomly came in the sonogram room (which I thought was strange because I had never had her come in there before). She looked with the sonographer and stood beside me as I was laying there and said that she saw some things she wasn't sure of and wanted me to go to a specialist. She said this doctor is who she sends all of her abnormal sonogram patients too. She also said that it could be a little bit before we could get in to see him. I knew then something was just not right and I could not wait long to find out. Her nurse (who is also the best) called the specialists office and got me an appointment for the very next afternoon (thank the Good Lord above). The only thing I knew about our baby at this time was that the heartbeat was normal and it was moving around. The bad thing is that there was a "mass" on the outside of the baby's body. We left the doctor and called a few family members and friends and we got some prayers going for us.

The next day, February 18th, we went to the Collonades to see the specialist. My heart and mind was so confused, so hurt, and so scared. Jamie seemed to be doing well, but I know he was just trying to be strong for me (such a wonderful husband). Before doing the sonogram, Dr. Naef came in and told us what was going to happen. He said that they would look at the baby and the "mass" and do all of the measurements, everything they needed to do and then he would let me get dressed and talk to us about the results. It was the LONGEST sonogram I have ever had it seems. Afterwards, Dr. Naef gave us the horrible news that our baby has Limb, Body, Wall Complex and will not/can not live. ~Now if you don't know what this is - before you research it, there are some pretty gruesome pictures on the internet of this complex (just a Warning)~ Basically our baby doesn't have a stomach wall. The spine is very short and the umbilical cord is also extremely short. The "mass" that was on the outside of the baby is everything that the stomach would hold in (stomach, intestines, etc). He continued to tell us that there is no cure for this and no one is sure of why this happens to 1 out of 14,000 babies. He said it was nothing I did wrong. He said that the baby would not live until the end of the pregnancy. He gave us the ways we could handle this situation, there was only two. First, we could terminate the pregnancy. This would have to be done at an abortion clinic because technically that is what terminating the pregnancy is. Second, we could keep the baby, but the emotional pain and the physical pain would be strong. He said the physical pain could happen because I would be at a greater risk to develop toxemia, and other things. And of course the emotional pain would be that I would have to go day by day being pregnant with a baby that will not live, never feel it move, and have to go thru labor and go home without my baby. I consulted the next day with Dr. Moses and she said that Dr. Naef had confirmed what she thought was wrong. She said the baby would not live and it was up to us to choose what we needed/wanted to do. My heart was broken. I was torn. What do I do? I am not for abortion at all whatsoever, but in this case, is it different? Could I live with myself if I did go thru with it? Do I risk my health when I have a family at home? I prayed and prayed.

Jamie and I talked over and over about this. I prayed over and over, I talked to family and friends and still had no confirmation on what I should do. Finally Jamie and I decided that we should terminate the pregnancy because of what the doctors had told us. We talked a lot about this and just wanted everything to be okay, but we knew what we had been told. We had an appointment and the closer it got to the date, the sicker and weaker I became. I cried all the time and just knew this wasn't what we should do. Please note - we only decided to terminate the pregnancy due to the big possibility of me becoming very ill. We are not "baby killers". Anyway, 2 days before the appointment - that night, I couldn't eat, sleep, I was crying and finally woke Jamie up at midnight and told him I just couldn't go thru with the termination. I told him that I didn't think it was up to us to decide when our baby takes its last breath. I also told Jamie about a dream that I had a couple of nights before that - it was a voice (don't know who) that kept saying "God will not give you more than what you can handle". I knew at that point I just couldn't be the one that ended this sweet baby's life. I had also done some research on how they did things at the clinic and it made me sick!!! I know there are lot of people that does go thru with the abortion and please don't think I'm judging you because I'm not, I'm only saying for me and my heart, I just couldn't do it.

I went to my doctor the following day to tell her that I had some questions. I wanted to know if I could really become as sick as the other doctor said. She told me that if we kept the baby that I would have to come in every other week for them to check my vitals and check for the baby's heartbeat. She said I could develop "normal pregnancy things" such as toxemia, etc. She said I was more of a risk, but she would keep a very close eye on me and our sweet baby. She was very understanding and I left the office knowing in my heart I could go thru with this pregnancy. She told me to go home and talk to Jamie and make a decision, but in my heart, I knew what the decision was already. I did talk to Jamie afterwards and we cancelled the appointment. The moment I hung up the phone, I felt like 500 pounds had been lifted off of me. We then told our family the decision we had made to keep our baby, followed by our friends and you could not ask for a better support group!! We told our jobs/co-workers and we had more support.

I went to the doctor 2 weeks later and she said well I see you are still pregnant, and I said yes. I was nervous as to what she would say because medically speaking it made more sense to end the pregnancy. She was so supportive and encouraging. I'm so blessed to have her as my doctor.

We told my 7 year old, Cameron, and he cried for a while and asked a few questions, but seemed okay. Of course we did not go into detail with him, but told him enough. He has mentioned a few things and asked more questions. We don't discuss things in front of him, but if he asks questions, we do answer them the best way we can.

So here we are now. I go to the doctor every other week. They do a sonogram to check for the heartbeat, so I have watched our baby grow thru sonos. I have a bunch of sono pictures and the heartbeat is still very strong at 154 beats. I feel the baby move everyday, even though I was told by the other doctor that I would not feel it move at all). We haven't been able to tell the sex of the baby as of yet. I do know there are times with this complex that that area is not formed and they have to do testing to find out what gender the baby is. The sonographer did say that she did not see any signs of a boy.

We have started preparing for the arrival of our baby. Even though I totally believe in miracles, I have to also be prepared for the worse. Especially since the sonograms are still not showing any signs of the baby's stomach being there. I have called and priced some cemeteries that have been recommended and we have looked at one in Richland, MS. It's small, but it seems peaceful. I believe it's the one that we will end up choosing. It has an area that is for Veterans and I thought that was nice since Jamie is a Veteran. The prices are ones that we can afford as well. I also contacted Ott and Lee in Brandon, MS and I'm sure we will be using them. We have decided to only have a graveside service. In my heart, I am still holding with everything that this baby will be okay and will come home with us. But I am also prepared for that not to happen.

Here are some of the sonogram pictures we have of our little angel:

The baby has it's feet crossed at the ankles...












This is the baby's profile with it's fist up underneath it's chin. You can see it's fingers under the chin.








This is a good profile picture...Was tired of taking pictures, was stretching to move around lol.







In the middle of the picture, you see the baby's hand. Has it's thumb under it's fingers. It looked like he/she was waving at us while we were doing the sonogram. SO sweet!!








Well that is all for now. I want to say again how much I love my husband most of all for the support and help thru this. Also my family and friends. I've also met some very sweet Moms from Cameron's ball team that has always asked about things. I have had support from a Mom's website that I am on. Thanks for being here for us!! I love ya

Jenn