A Walk With Faith

This blog is written about my pregnancy with Baby #3.

Jamie and I were VERY surprised to find out that we were having another baby. We knew we wanted a third baby, but didn't know it would happen so soon since our youngest, Hayden, at the time was less than a year old. At any rate, we were both excited. My vitals and the baby's heartbeat was normal and on February 17th we were to find out if it was a boy or girl. I was SO excited. Just the thought of having a little girl just made me so happy, but don't get me wrong, I love my boys and if I had another one, that would be fine too. Well we went to the sonogram room and while in the room, it was pretty quiet. The Sonographer is normally not that quiet. I was asking questions and she seemed hesitant to answer me. My doctor, who in my eyes is the greatest doctor ever, Dr. Shea Moses randomly came in the sonogram room (which I thought was strange because I had never had her come in there before). She looked with the sonographer and stood beside me as I was laying there and said that she saw some things she wasn't sure of and wanted me to go to a specialist. She said this doctor is who she sends all of her abnormal sonogram patients too. She also said that it could be a little bit before we could get in to see him. I knew then something was just not right and I could not wait long to find out. Her nurse (who is also the best) called the specialists office and got me an appointment for the very next afternoon (thank the Good Lord above). The only thing I knew about our baby at this time was that the heartbeat was normal and it was moving around. The bad thing is that there was a "mass" on the outside of the baby's body. We left the doctor and called a few family members and friends and we got some prayers going for us.

The next day, February 18th, we went to the Collonades to see the specialist. My heart and mind was so confused, so hurt, and so scared. Jamie seemed to be doing well, but I know he was just trying to be strong for me (such a wonderful husband). Before doing the sonogram, Dr. Naef came in and told us what was going to happen. He said that they would look at the baby and the "mass" and do all of the measurements, everything they needed to do and then he would let me get dressed and talk to us about the results. It was the LONGEST sonogram I have ever had it seems. Afterwards, Dr. Naef gave us the horrible news that our baby has Limb, Body, Wall Complex and will not/can not live. ~Now if you don't know what this is - before you research it, there are some pretty gruesome pictures on the internet of this complex (just a Warning)~ Basically our baby doesn't have a stomach wall. The spine is very short and the umbilical cord is also extremely short. The "mass" that was on the outside of the baby is everything that the stomach would hold in (stomach, intestines, etc). He continued to tell us that there is no cure for this and no one is sure of why this happens to 1 out of 14,000 babies. He said it was nothing I did wrong. He said that the baby would not live until the end of the pregnancy. He gave us the ways we could handle this situation, there was only two. First, we could terminate the pregnancy. This would have to be done at an abortion clinic because technically that is what terminating the pregnancy is. Second, we could keep the baby, but the emotional pain and the physical pain would be strong. He said the physical pain could happen because I would be at a greater risk to develop toxemia, and other things. And of course the emotional pain would be that I would have to go day by day being pregnant with a baby that will not live, never feel it move, and have to go thru labor and go home without my baby. I consulted the next day with Dr. Moses and she said that Dr. Naef had confirmed what she thought was wrong. She said the baby would not live and it was up to us to choose what we needed/wanted to do. My heart was broken. I was torn. What do I do? I am not for abortion at all whatsoever, but in this case, is it different? Could I live with myself if I did go thru with it? Do I risk my health when I have a family at home? I prayed and prayed.

Jamie and I talked over and over about this. I prayed over and over, I talked to family and friends and still had no confirmation on what I should do. Finally Jamie and I decided that we should terminate the pregnancy because of what the doctors had told us. We talked a lot about this and just wanted everything to be okay, but we knew what we had been told. We had an appointment and the closer it got to the date, the sicker and weaker I became. I cried all the time and just knew this wasn't what we should do. Please note - we only decided to terminate the pregnancy due to the big possibility of me becoming very ill. We are not "baby killers". Anyway, 2 days before the appointment - that night, I couldn't eat, sleep, I was crying and finally woke Jamie up at midnight and told him I just couldn't go thru with the termination. I told him that I didn't think it was up to us to decide when our baby takes its last breath. I also told Jamie about a dream that I had a couple of nights before that - it was a voice (don't know who) that kept saying "God will not give you more than what you can handle". I knew at that point I just couldn't be the one that ended this sweet baby's life. I had also done some research on how they did things at the clinic and it made me sick!!! I know there are lot of people that does go thru with the abortion and please don't think I'm judging you because I'm not, I'm only saying for me and my heart, I just couldn't do it.

I went to my doctor the following day to tell her that I had some questions. I wanted to know if I could really become as sick as the other doctor said. She told me that if we kept the baby that I would have to come in every other week for them to check my vitals and check for the baby's heartbeat. She said I could develop "normal pregnancy things" such as toxemia, etc. She said I was more of a risk, but she would keep a very close eye on me and our sweet baby. She was very understanding and I left the office knowing in my heart I could go thru with this pregnancy. She told me to go home and talk to Jamie and make a decision, but in my heart, I knew what the decision was already. I did talk to Jamie afterwards and we cancelled the appointment. The moment I hung up the phone, I felt like 500 pounds had been lifted off of me. We then told our family the decision we had made to keep our baby, followed by our friends and you could not ask for a better support group!! We told our jobs/co-workers and we had more support.

I went to the doctor 2 weeks later and she said well I see you are still pregnant, and I said yes. I was nervous as to what she would say because medically speaking it made more sense to end the pregnancy. She was so supportive and encouraging. I'm so blessed to have her as my doctor.

We told my 7 year old, Cameron, and he cried for a while and asked a few questions, but seemed okay. Of course we did not go into detail with him, but told him enough. He has mentioned a few things and asked more questions. We don't discuss things in front of him, but if he asks questions, we do answer them the best way we can.

So here we are now. I go to the doctor every other week. They do a sonogram to check for the heartbeat, so I have watched our baby grow thru sonos. I have a bunch of sono pictures and the heartbeat is still very strong at 154 beats. I feel the baby move everyday, even though I was told by the other doctor that I would not feel it move at all). We haven't been able to tell the sex of the baby as of yet. I do know there are times with this complex that that area is not formed and they have to do testing to find out what gender the baby is. The sonographer did say that she did not see any signs of a boy.

We have started preparing for the arrival of our baby. Even though I totally believe in miracles, I have to also be prepared for the worse. Especially since the sonograms are still not showing any signs of the baby's stomach being there. I have called and priced some cemeteries that have been recommended and we have looked at one in Richland, MS. It's small, but it seems peaceful. I believe it's the one that we will end up choosing. It has an area that is for Veterans and I thought that was nice since Jamie is a Veteran. The prices are ones that we can afford as well. I also contacted Ott and Lee in Brandon, MS and I'm sure we will be using them. We have decided to only have a graveside service. In my heart, I am still holding with everything that this baby will be okay and will come home with us. But I am also prepared for that not to happen.

Here are some of the sonogram pictures we have of our little angel:

The baby has it's feet crossed at the ankles...












This is the baby's profile with it's fist up underneath it's chin. You can see it's fingers under the chin.








This is a good profile picture...Was tired of taking pictures, was stretching to move around lol.







In the middle of the picture, you see the baby's hand. Has it's thumb under it's fingers. It looked like he/she was waving at us while we were doing the sonogram. SO sweet!!








Well that is all for now. I want to say again how much I love my husband most of all for the support and help thru this. Also my family and friends. I've also met some very sweet Moms from Cameron's ball team that has always asked about things. I have had support from a Mom's website that I am on. Thanks for being here for us!! I love ya

Jenn